Mountains

We are feeling a bit defeated right now. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to get so hopeful about this appointment.

It started out much like all of our other appointments. Three doctors came to meet with us; a pediatric plastic surgeon, a neurosurgeon and a plastic surgeon. They did the usual dance for about 40 minutes, asking Juliette to move her arm, wiggle her fingers, bend her wrist. It was very exhausting for her. I could see sadness on her face. The doctors all left the room to consult with each other and revisit the images from our past MRI's. I knew what was happening as soon as they started talking about doing a biopsy. The purpose of this would be to get a proper diagnosis of the growth. None of them thought it was a good idea. The risk involved was not worth it. We knew this already. We've discussed it at length with our plastic surgeon at Sick Kids and the genetics specialists. Then we discussed the option of surgery to repair the nerves, which was what we thought was the purpose of this mysterious appointment. Apparently the surgery would require "borrowing" some working nerves from her arm to repair the compressed ones in her brachial plexus. It turns out she does not have any adequate nerves to do that with. Surgery is not an option. I don't remember much else from the appointment. At that moment, my heart broke. I couldn't hold back tears. I didn't fall apart, but I wiped tear after silent tear from my cheeks. I don't know how Andrew held it together. He always manages to do that for me. He is my rock.

We politely thanked the doctors and went to find mom and Emi in the waiting room. I couldn't even talk. I had to leave and let myself cry. A lot. I truly thought this was it. I thought we had an answer, that these doctors had a miracle for us.

Thankfully, Juliette didn't know how high I got my hopes for this appointment. I am sure Andrew knew, though he never told me to come down. He just knew he would have to catch me if I fell.

So here we are. Back where we started. But we're here together.

Thank you for your prayers and support. As we were driving back from Calgary to Canmore, I looked up at the mountains. They are so big. We are so small. We know God has an amazing plan for Juliette. She is absolutely perfect to us and to Him. But I will never stop fighting for her. I am her mother. I was given this job for a reason.

Xo